hi everyone as u all know iam new,iam going to post these jokes "FE" let me know if there not acceptable then i know what i can post ok,right then enjoy these:
keith
A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple."
They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.
"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side."
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guy can't fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"
ok another one..!!!
Polly Want a WHAT?
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the fucking Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"
more....??
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies (2 girls and a boy) are OK and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into her mother’s room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks her mother.
“I was taking a pee and the bullet came out,” replied the daughter. The mother tells her it’s OK and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks into her mother’s room in tears. She says, “Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out.” Again, her mom explained what happened 16 years ago and that everything is alright.
A week later, the boy walks into his mother’s room in tears. His mother says, “It’s alright. I know what happened. You were taking a pee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” the boy sobbed. “I was wanking off and shot the dog.....!!!
ok last joke ok..!!
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven
i placed it in wrong area...
